I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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