my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
