i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
