I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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