listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
