I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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