Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
