Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
