I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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