i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Randomize
