I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
