How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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