I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
