I just pynch a tree in the face
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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