laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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