What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
