Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
