Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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