Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I don't deserve a penis
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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