o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
