so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
