you will always have a special place in my vag
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
