If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
