Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
im on a boat
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