What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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