Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
