after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
