The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
