I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You ruined the universe
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
