I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
