I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
