i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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