in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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