bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
