I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
try to milk me bitch
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