just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
