don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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