one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
