Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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