Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
