If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
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Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
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I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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