Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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