I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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