I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
