I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
