he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
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Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
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Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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