Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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