i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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