Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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