this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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