I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
