My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Sober January is a disaster.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
