every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
