R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
