Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
