I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
