I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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