someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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