Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
