hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
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She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
This baby is an asshole
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
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I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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