I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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