Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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