she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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