I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
